The Swami has windexed his crystal ball, indexed all the news, and texted the great prognosticators from the Oracle at Delphi to the Oracle at Oz. In short, he has looked into the future. Here is what he sees for 2012. Duck before the year hits you while you are distracted with a six pack, a bag of potato chips, and a couple of dozen football games.
POLITICS: Newt Gingrich does not get the Republican Presidential Nomination. When asked if it is because he has too much excess baggage a Tea Partyer says: “Are you kidding? When Gingrich’s wife travels by air she buys one full price ticket and pays an extra $25.00 to take her husband along.” To counter the charge that their candidate is lifeless and without substance, the Romney campaign has Disney release a 3-D illustrated version of the former Massachusetts Governor. Donald Trump finally decides to get into the race but his candidacy is immediately challenged by the EPA citing that the toxic amounts of hair spray he uses are bad for the environment. Meanwhile, President Obama remains anxious to take his campaign to all parts of the country. When he asks a staffer to make a list of places he has never been as president, the staffer puts the Oval Office at the top of the list. The 2012 elections become chaotic when the proposed 28th Amendment becomes law: The amendment states: “Congress shall make no law that applies to the citizens of the United States that does not apply equally to the Senators and/or Representatives; and, Congress shall make no law that applies to the Senators and/or Representatives that does not apply equally to the citizens of the United States .” All Representatives and Senators resign to find honest work, except for Ron Paul who says that if he can’t be president at least he can become Speaker of the Empty House.
ENTERTAINMENT: Rev. Sun Myung Moon presides over a wedding of all the Kardashians. The weddings take place at Honolulu’s Aloha Stadium. After the ceremony the Kardashians participate in a talent contest. There are no winners. Simon Cowell introduces a new TV program called “The Y Factor.” It is about “Why” anyone cares about the un-talented misfits he puts in front of audiences. A national movie theater chain holds a contest to see who can look weirder than the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. Steven Tyler wins. At the Golden Globe awards Martin Scorsese wins Best Director for his movie “Hugo,” when the Foreign Press add a new category – “Best Movie made by a short guy with the entire cast hidden in his eyebrows.”
SPORTS: LA Laker Ron Artest, who changed his name to Meta World Peace, converts to the Islamic Faith and changes his name to Meta Kareem Abdul World Jabbar Peace. His vertical leap decreases by 7 inches because of the weight of his name on the back of his jersey. The Miami Heat, Philadelphia Phillies, and the Green Bay Packers all go undefeated in 2012. They meet in the SuperWorldSeriesBowlPlayoffs, won by Philadelphia when just before the game LeBron James leaves Miami to take his talents to the City of Brotherly Love. In Sports combined with Religious news the Super Bowl Committee invites Pope Benedict XVI to Super Bowl XLVI in Indianapolis to give the pre-game invocation. At half time the German Pope endears himself to the crowd by performing his first miracle – changing water into beer.
Happy New Year.