Politics can be hellish

There are still 10 months until the 2012 elections and I am already sick of the campaigning. The debates, the constant advertising barrage and the endless political spin from pundits have brought on nightmares about the process. I awoke in a cold sweat over a bad dream I had where I was a voter taken on a tour of hell:

“Hello, Mr. Voter. Welcome to campaign hell. My name is Dave and I’ll be your guide. Any questions before we begin?”

Voter: “What is that stadium full of people over there? Do you have sporting events in hell?”

Dave: “Those people are doing manual recounts of votes from Palm Beach County, Fla.”

Voter: “That happened a long time ago.”

Dave: “True, but they’re condemned to recount those votes forever or until Al Gore becomes president.”

Voter: “What did they do to deserve such punishment?”

Dave: “They’re spin doctors.”

Voter: “You have spin doctors in hell?”

Dave: “They start out here. It’s just a question of time before they return.”

Voter: “Will …what’s his name end up here?”

Dave: “Yes, of course — the spin stops here.”

Voter: “By the way, what kind of sports do you have here?”

Dave: “We don’t have actual sports — it’s more of a sports punishment for all the people who spent Sunday mornings at fitness centers rather than in church. For all eternity, they must listen to Steven Tyler singing ‘the National Anthem.'”

Voter: “I’m surprised hell is so political.”

Dave: “Politics rule here.”

Voter: “How can that be if people here no longer have a representative voice in government?”

Dave: “Some people still do, but unfortunately for them, that changes with Barney Frank’s retirement.”

Voter: “Interesting. Tell me, are there more Democrats or Republicans here?”

Dave: “They’re equally divided. We have more independents than anyone else.”

Voter: “Why is that?”

Dave: “The boss prides himself on deception. Independents are famous for kidding themselves into thinking they are smarter than anyone else.”

Voter: “But don’t they really sway elections?”

Dave: “They think they do, but they never take a stand. Remember the Bible says that ‘Because you are lukewarm, neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth.'”

Voter: “I’m surprised you can quote the Bible.”

Dave. “I can now, but it’s like closing the barn door after the horse has bolted.”

Voter: “Are there any other large segments of voters here?”

Dave: “There’s a lot of Ron Paul voters because heaven doesn’t suffer fools very well.”

Voter: “I’m surprised at how clean everything is. And how do you keep it so warm?”

Dave: “We have oil heat down here.”

Voter: “Isn’t that expensive?”

Dave: “Not since the Keystone Pipeline.”

Voter: “You got the Keystone Pipeline here?”

Dave: Yes, we couldn’t believe it when your president vetoed it.”

Voter: “Hey, I didn’t vote for him.”

Dave: “But all those independents did. Now they’re staying toasty warm for eternity.”

Jerry Gervase is a Peninsula writer and a regular contributor to this page.

 

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3 Responses to Politics can be hellish

  1. Dottie Vaniel says:

    I receive many political email forwards that I delete.
    Your political emails amuse me, are true and undeletable.
    Thank you for your verbal photographs; they put a new slant on the overflow of politic news these days.

  2. Tom Bottaro says:

    A couple of good chuckles in there, Jerry. I’m an independent, but not because I’m reluctant to to take a position. I simply refuse to ride donkeys or elephants, unless they happen to be going in the direction I’ve chosen for myself. That doesn’t make me smarter than other folks; it simply makes me, well, independent.

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