SNOW WHITE AND THE HUNTSMAN: This movie is Extreme Make-Over Fairy Tale style. When the wicked queen is no longer the fairest one of all she sucks beauty out of young girls – the way the John Coffey character cured people in The Green Mile by shooting “doctor bugs” from his mouth into their mouths. Obviously the Queen didn’t have a court Plastic Surgeon schooled in the use of Botox. Also, the Queen does open-heart surgery with really long and sharp false fingernails that will soon be available through infomercials. (But wait! Call now and we’ll double your order)Besides a plethora of Whammies (special effects) the movie has little going for it except there are eight dwarves rather than seven. I’m not too Bashful to say if you’re Dopey enough to see this flick you’ll leave the theater Sleepy or Grumpy.
PROMETHEUS: About 10 minutes into this movie Noomi Rapace (The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo) vomits, probably because her system is reacting to being asleep for two years on a long flight to outer space. Or she could be retching because she has seen the rough cut of this wretched movie before it went to the final cut. Director Ridley Scott’s name drew me into the theater. Now I’ll be reluctant to plunk down the price of a ticket with his name attached to a movie. There are certain elements that a deep-space Sci-Fi movie should have and this one does: 1. Don’t bring what you find outside of the space ship back into the space ship; 2. The bald guy with the tattoo on his head will die first; 3. Never trust the robot; 4.The ancient monster/ancestor from another galaxy always looks like Woody Harrelson. Here’s my favorite part: halfway through the movie Noomi discovers she is pregnant with a monster that makes Rosemary’s Baby look cuter than a Cabbage Patch doll. She then performs a Caesarian abortion on herself which I think may be how abortions will be performed under Obamacare. Scott directed the original Alien. Obviously, he had a lot of leftovers in the Used Monster Lot so he sprinkled them liberally throughout the movie. But this picture is not Alien. It isn’t even Alien-lite.